That knock never came…
…and everyday I loved Carmina more and
more.
She became more beautiful
and was
a joy to be around.
By the time she was 6 months old, she
drew attention from everyone who saw her.
Everyday, when the weather permitted, we
took walks around town.
And each time, people would walk up to us
and say things like, “Oh, she’s so beautiful.”
Or, “You’re lucky to have such a gorgeous
baby.”
Although it made me feel sort of proud…
It also bothered me a little as I
wondered how people reacted to my real baby…where ever she was.
It also made me wonder why no one seemed
to be trying to find Carmina.
Everyday, I checked the newspaper to see
if there was an article about a baby being kidnapped from the hospital,
Or about a baby being abandoned…
But there never was.
It should have made me feel relieved, but
it bothered me a little, because it just didn’t seem right.
Still, even at my worst moments…just
being around Carmina never failed to make all the fear and worries melt away
temporarily.
She was like a drug and she made my world
brighter and brighter until the night that I had the dream.
Carmina was asleep in her crib...
And Nick was already asleep next to me
when I finally crawled into bed.
Soon after I laid my head on the pillow,
I began to dream.
“Mommy,” a tiny voice called out.
“Mommy,” the voice repeated.
I turned around and there she was,
the baby that I had abandoned at the hospital. She appeared to be about 6 months old, yet
she was standing up. The spot where her
eye should have been looked swollen and puffy.
Although she was too young to talk,
she spoke in a soft sad voice.
“Beware…she’ll get you when she turns four.”
All I could do was stare. “She’ll get you,” she repeated and added in
soft a gravelly voice, “and you’ll be punished.”
Those last words resonated through every
nerve in my body and caused every hair to stand.
But even that didn’t touch me as
much as her next words. Her one eye
filled with tears and her small soft voice quivered, “I loved you.”
My eyes filled along with hers, but
no tears fell and I wasn’t able to return her words of love. My mouth felt cemented shut to hold in
emotions that threatened to spill out.
“I loved you!” she repeated in a much louder, forceful
voice. “I love you and you LEFT
ME!”
The overwhelming
guilt finally gave me
the push I needed to speak, “Stop it!” I said, but my voice sounded feeble next to
hers.
“I loved you mommy…I loved you and
she’s gonna get
you!” She repeated again and
again.
“Stop it!” I yelled; unable to handle
the words that made me feel as if I were unraveling slowly; losing my mind. “Please, stop it!”
Startled... awake, with the words still
fresh on my lips, “Stop it,” I said one final time, as if the baby was standing
in my room.
With a heavy heart, I pulled back the
covers; knowing that any further attempts at sleep would be in vain.
The baby’s
words still rang in my thoughts…
‘she’ll get
you when she turns four.’
Nick
was now awake beside me. “It was just a
dream Di,” he said as if he knew what was going on in my head. And I wanted to believe him. I really did.
“Come here,” he said. I crawled back under the covers and allowed
him to hold me. He caressed my shoulder
and whispered the reassuring words once again, “It was just a dream.”
Just a dream,
my thoughts wanted to rationalize, but in my heart it felt more like a warning.
Labels: I Stole Evil
