At age 4, Carmina was a master of
deception.
She possessed a sweet innocence that
would fade seamlessly into a cruel manipulation without warning.
“Mommy! I made this for you!”
My life was full of uncertainties,
because I never knew what to expect with her.
“Come on mommy! You have to try it…you’ll love it!”
I
reluctantly followed Carmina downstairs.
She was sitting at the table waiting for
me when I made it to the kitchen.
“Hurry
mommy…while it’s still hot!” She said
with an excited immature impatience that only a small child could get away
with.
Carmina stood next to me watching as I
took a large bite of the muffin. The
first few bites were actually pretty good; the perfect mix of blueberries and
muffin mix.
But a few more bites into the inside;
the muffin became gritty and I could have sworn that I chipped a tooth as I bit
down on a rock.
As I swallowed, I could feel something
wiggling on my tongue.
“Carmina!
What’d you put in this?” I asked; barely able to speak as
I struggled to spit out the bits of grit and whatever was moving
around. “Is there something alive?”
“Just the worm that I added for extra
flavoring,” she said as if it was the most innocent thing in the world.
“A
worm?” I continued to spit and now began trying to retch up everything that I
had swallowed.
Another unfamiliar flavor came up as I
heaved in vain; desperate to clean my mouth of whatever caused the foul taste
in my mouth. “Anything else?” By now, I was practically breathless; unable
to say anything beyond those two words.
“Just some mud, a little flour…and sand
from my sandbox.”
“ANYTHING ELSE CARMINA!” I asked
forcefully; finally finding my voice again.
None of the things she mentioned would explain the taste that I was
still trying to remove from my taste buds.
“Well…the next door neighbor’s dog may
have contributed an ingredient or two?”
“Oh God!”
I said as I quickly rose up from the table.
“You
don’t like it mommy?” She said softly
with a fake hurt tone in her voice.
“Carmina…you know that no one can eat
that type of stuff.”
“But
I worked so hard mommy. You’re hurting
my feelings.”
“I’m not eating that,” I said
plainly.
“I’ll tell daddy if you don’t and he won’t love you anymore, because he says
that I’m special!” There were no longer
any signs of sweetness or innocence in Carmina’s
voice or on her face.
“No Carmina…I can’t!”
“Okay,
you asked for it…daddy!” Carmina called
out.
“Yes angel,” Nick answered; entering the
kitchen, still in his pajamas.
Once again…the sweet innocence was
back. “I worked really hard all morning
to make mommy breakfast…so she won’t have to work so hard, but now she won’t
eat it. She spit it out all over the
table.”
Nick looked at me with a piercing cold
look in his eyes. His once loving eyes now turned hateful at Carmina’s
command. “Diane,” was
all he had to say to make me feel like crap.
“It’s made of mud and all kinds of nasty
stuff Nick. I’m not eating that.”
“Am I a bad girl daddy? I was just trying to help mommy.” Carmina
said in a sickly sweet tone; each word making my stomach
churn.
“You’re not a bad girl sweetheart. Your mother is just not thinking about you and your
feelings right now.”
“Nick?”
I turned to face him; unable to believe that he didn’t have my side on
this. “She put dog crap in it!” I added in a desperate attempt to get him to
understand.
“I don’t believe that! Are you trying to say that our daughter is
crazy?”
“I
was just kidding mommy,” Carmina added, but I knew she was lying.
“Are
you trying to damage our daughter’s self-esteem?” Nick asked.
“What do you expect me to do Nick? Am I supposed to eat mud and dirt and God
knows what else? Would that make me a
better mother?”
“You
do whatever it takes,” Nick argued.
Carmina walked back over to the table as
if she were sad, but I knew she was probably over there smirking…delighted that
she had caused Nick and I to argue once again.
“You eat it then…” I said in my most
daring voice…a voice that I thought I had lost a while back.
“She
didn’t make it for me…she made it for you.”
“It’s okay daddy…” Carmina said as if her
entire soul had just been crushed. Nick
and I stopped arguing and turned toward her.
“If mommy doesn’t like my gift…I’ll just
throw it away. Don’t worry…I won’t
cry. I’ll be all right…eventually.”
I knew I had lost this one. Nick would never, ever let me forget it if I
forced Carmina to throw away the muffin.
“Diane,” he demanded; successfully
reinforcing that thought by just saying my name.
I unwillingly sat back down at the
table.
“Good…now
that that’s settled…I can finally get ready for work,” Nick said before leaving the room.
Carmina stood beside me once again as I
picked up the muffin.
She continued to stand there, as I took a
bite; fighting against my stomach which tried to force it all back up.
I could feel her cold eyes penetrating
through me as she stood there watching me eat the muffin.
“When you’re done with that you need to
take me to the store. I want to go
shopping.”
Carmina already knew that she had full
control of me…but she still wanted the satisfaction of forcing me to
respond. “Did you hear me?”
Although I tried to have some resolve…to
hold on to at least a shred of my dignity, I responded, “Yes Carmina.”
“Good!
I’ll be waiting by the car. Don’t
be too long now.”
I
wanted to cry...but I held strong. It
was the last part of me that I could hold onto…not allowing her the
satisfaction of witnessing my tears.
When she was finally out of the room…I
sobbed down the rest of the muffin in big gulps of tears. I didn’t sit there and eat that disgusting
muffin or do the other things that Carmina forced me to do because I was weak…or
out of my mind.
I did what she wanted because I had
to. Everyone around me made sure of
that…
Labels: I Stole Evil
